VENTIN' MY SPLEEN

Yay! praise Lord, I'm now at the venerable age when I can be classed as a GOOG Grumpy Old Ozzie Guy. Not that I'm going to roam the streets waving my walking stick (er, don't own one) or shooing innocent little puppies or kittens; but I can use this column to vent my spleen - or better still, get it orf me chest.

I'm not a movie buff but do like to see a good one frequently. Take the movie: Australia. You know the one: Right! Nicole Kidman and Hugh Jackman. not a bad pic in general, but; having gone through a 'cadetship' in print journalism I learnt how to spot a glaring error. Nit picking, perhaps, but little things like I'm about to tell you, annoy the heck outa me. My pen colleague known as Rim, tells me, that this is part of the enjoyment of it all.

WOE IS ME

I'm in deep domestic trouble. The Resident Redhead has taken me to task for having the temerity to criticise the movie Australia.

No no, dear one, I'm just pointing out just three inaccuracies: Apart from these, I didn't mind the movie, as far-fetched as it was.

Blooper 1: Drover uses the expression: 'Listen Up.' This is an American expression and not used by Australians especially ex-WW1 Diggers, as Drover claimed to be. 'Listen In,' was the expression in vogue in Oz.

Blooper 2: When Capt Dutton okays the movement of cattle, a close-up of the certificate shows his rank as CPT - again, another US expression, in use since Vietnam. Capt was the accepted abbreviation for both US and Australian officers in WW2.

Blooper 3. The evacuation of Darwin. A bearded Australian Army Military Policeman.
Australian servicemen- especially MPs - who had to set a high dress standard - did and do not wear beards - that was the privilege of the RAN - and infantry pioneer sergeants.

That being said, I took a trip to the classic movies via my You Tube and pulled one of my favourite movies of pre-teen days – Francis The Talking Mule – with Donald O’Connor. In one of the jungle scenes, I heard a Kookaburra laughing and saw a shot of a white sulphur-crested cockatoo on a tree. Surely not in Burma.

I once had a theory in my acting days: If you can’t act, you teach; If you can’t teach, you crit.

My plea to the supreme beings of all persuasions: Please, don’t turn me into a film critic, pretty please.

MEDIA MISSES

As a fourth estater, it has been my lot to ensure what went out, went out correctly. Can't win 'em all though and our media reporters especially the glamour guys 'n dolls of TV land, fall into that category. Recently, we were informed that the capacity of two of our New South Wales Central West dams had increased since January. Now we all know, or do we, that capacity is the ability to hold a fluid, very similar to volume. What she meant was the water had risen.

A female TV reporter, two in fact, referred to two famous cricketers as being 'former cricket legends.' This is like saying that Babe Ruth and Joe Di Maggio were former baseball legends. I can hear the Bronx cheer from here.

When does one cease being a legend?

To the Weekend reporter who did the story on the Brazilian all you can eat restaurant in Coogee - Sydney. M'dear, 'gaucho' is not Mexican, it's Argentine. A Mexican cowboy is a vaquero or Charo. Brazilians are Portuguese speakers - thus the Brazilian cowboys are Vaquieros.

Oh yes! Next time a radio presenter, DJ or whatever says "you out there" ring the offending station and tell management that we are not 'out there, it's you who are in my space, ya dumb jocks or words to that effect,

LAST WORD (penultimate)

Let us all unite and lobby the pollies to make it illegal at the risk of banishing to the nether regions of this wide brown land - and your land, those TV presenters who insist on saying 'Welcome Back after a station break'. Welcome back from where? We're still been there and suffered the less than seat-gluing commercials. Hey guys! you broke from us – therefore it us, the viewer who should be welcoming you back. Anyway, you don't mean it. so why say it.

Well, The Real Last Word

Next month in NSW is show time and the big event is Sydney's Royal Easter Show - our version of the US State Fair (Great movie too). It's glitz, glamor and a looksee at what the State produces in Ag and horticulture, craft, industry, manufacturing and the like. In the early years it had been a fair dinkum good old family event. Now, it's a case of - and I'm being facetious here- mortgaging the house to buy a family ticket. That's juist to get in. Once inside, the kids'll want show bags - in the old days, they were simply 'sample bags'. These show bags contain all sorts of gewgaws and at last count, the highest price was $25 for one. Expect to fork out at least $50 for an armful of show bags.

I'll bne back. :o)

I WANNABEE..... A Radio Host

Oooh! that expression - Wannabee - ouch! it hurts.  It hurts when used in the wrong context; it gives the impression that one wants to be, but hasn't a hope in hades to be.

Okay! for wannabee, I'm going to use the word potential.   I will not be boring you with how I got started - mine was a different era. Nonetheless, I'll share the secret in brief.

A Sydney - Australia - radio station had invited our 'school' to see and be part of it's annual Christmas celebration.    A trip to Sydney - wow! I loved in country NSW and a visit to the 'big city' was excitement plus.  A visit to a radio station, more so.

Australia was not blessed with television until 1956 - this episode took place in 1953 and radio ruled supreme. Most, if not all households had radio, and like TV today, one picked the most popular shows, maybe quiz shows,  music, drama, whatever and each genre had its own personalities.  Even the singing commercials were popular.

Back to the trip.   I have read many stories of how people became involved with their life's vocation through epiphany.

Mine was such.  As soon as I went inside the studio doors - that still, small voice said to me:  "This is what you're meant to do."

Easy said - harder done.   

Everyone from the school principal down to my peers told me: 'No way. '  

Try as I might, no one was interested - too many potentials - too few jobs.  

The people involved in my welfare did not deem it suitable employment and very wisely told me so.

What I did not know, was - they did not know either.  It was easier to steer a young student towards those tried and true options: University, Apprenticeships, Traineeships - or just plain labor.  The arts,per-se were a no-no.

That was in the 'bad old days.'  Today, it's a darn sight easier and now, with the advent of the internet this field is open to anyone who has the basic talent and really, really wants it.

Do you want it?   

A radio colleague - Wendy Wright - has been there and done that.  Whatsmore, she's gone ahead and produced a nice little e-book that'll steer you in the right (or Wright) direction.

Whether you're interested in working with a station or on the net - it's all in this little e-book. 

The price tag will astound you.   Any way, check out.

http://30410hm4seqw0yoqu8foibwm1p.hop.clickbank.net

Look forward to hearing you on air or the net.

CHILD POOL SAFETY TIPS

MAKING YOUR SUMMER HEARTACHE-FREE

 

Just take a few minutes to digest this article –on Child Pool Safety; your child’s life could depend on it.

In Australia, we have just come out of summer, and regrettably, drowning has become a major, major issue.

When summer swings round to your part of the world it means a dip in the pool and also it is a kid’s right of passage to plunge into the home pool.

Yes, it’s fun – but for some there is going to be heartache with the loss, by drowning, of a loved one, especially a child – that, perhaps is the most hard- hitting

Australia, a nation which enjoys a high portion of home swimming pools also has a high record in toddler and child drowning. Queensland, Australia’s Sunshine State holds highest toddler drowning record in the nation.

This is not good and legislation is at hand to tighten up the already nation-wide tough pool safety regulations.

It can be prevented.  Prevented by strict adherence to good Child Pool Safety tips.

 Child Pool Safety Tips are everywhere, but with the warmth, the fun and that cool, inviting water, it becomes so easy to ignore them.

Owning a home pool brings responsibility and in a lot of cases, changes to house and the backyard.   

Let’s have a look at some Child Pool Safety tips and make your summer hassle and tragedy-free.  

 Child Pool Safety Tip No 1:

Teach your child to swim and learn about water safety – there are swimming classes and talks about safety available from the municipal swimming pool operators. They’re trained in child pool safety.

2. Child pool Safety - In Sight:

 Ensure that the pool can be seen from a designated family are, ideally it should have a doorway leading to the yard for quick access.  If you are building the house, this needs to be addressed.  For those with an already established house and pool, then you’ll need a Home Safety Camera.  These are many and varied and your swimming pool supplier can help you decide on the best one.  Just as a navigation aid is a valuable tool to motorists, a pool safety camera is integral for child pool safety.  The camera should be placed in the room where there is access to the yard.

3. Please Fence Me In:

 In some countries – like Australia – fencing a pool is mandatory.  Where it is not required by law, then common sense should prevail and pool owners should endeavour to erect one. Ideally it should be about four feet (approx 122cms) and lockable.  There are plenty of attractive styles to choose from – your home hardware store can help here. Oh!  Most reputable insurance companies demand that you have a fence.   Ideally, an alarm should be fitted so that if someone opens the gate, you’ll know.

 The responsibility for child pool safety is yours.

4. Child Pool Safety and Signs:

You have the pool.  It is a magnet for your friends and neighbours and their children.  You will need to let the pool users know that as well as being a fun part of the yard, it is also a drowning hazard.  Preferably it is best to have them posted every 15-20 feet and please have one erected at the gate to your pool

Again, check with your pool supplier or home hardware store for appropriate safety rules, and what to do In An Emergency, signage.

 

5. Child Pool Safety and Depth

As with municipal swimming pools there is a deep and shallow end.  The same should apply to your home pool.  It should be shallow enough for the smaller child to be able to stand up with his or head well above the water; as an added child pool safety tip, ensure you should emphasize and have a sign telling swimmers not to dive into the shallow end.

6.  Child Pool Safety: Chemicals:

You want to keep your pool sparkling clean and germ-free so of course, you’re going to need chemicals to keep it so.  Chemicals – a good aide – can also be nasty little things causing burns, blindness and even death. To ensure this does not happen, be very careful even to the point of fussiness of child pool safety and safety from harmful chemicals, so:

a. Maintain the correct balance, and

b.  Keep The Chemicals LOCKED Away

6.  Child Pool Safety and Floaters:

Keep these on hand and ready to throw into the pool at all times, a struggling swimmer will need one to grab on to.

7. DIAL EMERGENCIES:

 If you can, install a phone close at hand, ready to dial the emergency number for example 911.  Please don’t use a cell/mobile phone unless it is emergency number capable.  Most of them are today.

8.  Child pool Safety and Filters:

A must, and please, have a filter fitted that is capable of pulling water from the top – use of a leaf finder is helpful -  and not from the bottom – this is a trap for the kids and can suck a small child down to drown.

 Child pool safety has to be foremost in all pool owners’ minds at all times.

 

9. LET THERE BE LIGHT:

Night swimming is fun and dangerous.  Ensure the pool is well lit, especially for night swimming – no dark places, please.  If you can’t see you can’t save. Children are prone to sneak out of the house for a duck in the pool – s, so tempting.  Child pool safety for the kiddies going on a moonlight swim is paramount at this time.   Remember child pool safety, so, Let there be light.

10. Glass and Other Sharp Nasties:

Child pool safety- well any safety means no hazards in or around the pool – especially breakable glass.  Make sure any receptacles are either plastic or other non-hazardous material.

11. Horseplay – No! That’s not good Child Pool Safety:

By horseplay I mean rough stuff, such as wrestling poolside, pushing or throwing someone in (It was fun at the time, but my brothers and I almost drowned – many times, because of this) Child pool safety was not practiced by us then.

12.  Old Sol Can Be Cruel

Poolside Fun on Sunday – you’re sore as heck on Monday.  So be aware and keep discomfort and possible melanomas at bay with a good sunscreen – SPF 30 or higher.  A big must if you are planning to spend more than fifteen minutes in the pool. Another child pool safety tip – and adult too – to preserve health.

13.  Child Pool Safety and The Lifeguard.

Use the pool only when a trained person is available – preferably someone responsible over 16 years. Ensure the person designate and other pool users know who’s in charge.  Please make sure that person is well versed in child pool safety.

 

You know, it’s perfectly normal to be uneasy about your child’s safety not only in the pool, but other places.  Sure, there’ll be accidents and sickness

If that’s all – well, that’s fortunate.  At the risk of portending doom and gloom, there are going to be little ones who drown, due to lack of child pool safety.  You don’t want to be one of those statistics.  Go, seek help from all agencies.  Make sure child pool safety is top of the list – and have a good swimming summer.

CPR! CPR! CPR! – Learn it.

 

FINE DINING - YES WITH THE KIDS TOO

                                                    TEN TIPS TO MAKE THE NIGHT
                                                              A GREAT EXPERIENCE

No! Don't blanch - you can enjoy the luxury of fine dining - fine dining with kids and still enjoy your night out with great wine and food.
Fine dining with kids can be an enjoyable and a not so embarrassing experience. A little pre-planning goes a long way.

So, let's take a look of how you, dad and mom, can make fine dining with kids pleasurable and no one leaves with red faces:

1. Of course, for fine dining at a classy restaurant, you'll need to make a reservation and the time in between, let's say, a week is a great time to give 'fine dining 101'a workout at home. Practise! Practise! Practise! Restaurant etiquette - you know, no elbows on the table, no slurping, shouting, tossing bread rolls or other embarrassing episodes. Teach the kids to say please and thank you and to treat the waiting staff as friends and advisers who are there to make that fine dining a great experience. For the older kids, practise the correct way to use cutlery: fish knives for fish, steak knives for steak; water glasses for water and so on. Another great lesson and this will serve well in later years is how to order food. When making that reservation, ask for a corner table for privacy where you and the family can have last-minute practise.

2. When you arrive at the restaurant and have parked. Talk to the kids how to best behave. Remember what we said about shouting and unruly behaviour - not on.
Other people are using that restaurant for their fine dining and some do not like seeing families dining with kids. Do not give them an excuse to complain.
Consideration for others cannot be stressed enough in your fine dining with kids a great adventure.


3. Nature is going to call and the rest room is going to be a stopping point - perhaps frequently. Yes, it's a real hassle and it does distract other diners. It has been said time and time again: "Make sure you go before we go out." Let your fine dining and dining with kids be hassle-free. Bear in mind, though, nature does not or cannot wait. When dining with kids - the old Scout motto, Be Prepared is paramount.

4. Fine dining at a restaurant is normally a dinner - evening experience, sometimes between seven and nine pm, beyond a kid's bedtime or mealtime. If the restaurant is popular your fine dining with kids may involve longer wait time than normal. Some folks get embarrassed about bringing in little snacks such as carrot sticks or other little nibblies. Don't be. The little ones are going to get a tad restless and invariably cranky, so a little pre-dinner snack is quite in order. Remember you are dining with kids and their needs are different. Ask your waiting team member to offer bread sticks or other nibbles if you did not bring your own.

5. You don't have to rely on snacks - activities such as colouring books or word puzzles can keep the children's minds active. However, a little judicious planning, such as asking the kids what they would like to eat as starters and/or a main meal, before you arrive at the restaurant, saves more red faces and hassles. Above all, you know what your kids can eat and it is advised not to let them experiment with unknown or overly spicy foods. Après fine dining with kids - that is midnight trips to the family bathroom takes the gloss off the fine dining, especially dining with kids, experience.

6. Kids are curious and the trip to the fine dining restaurant is going to result in them experimenting with things new to them. Maybe candles, sugar packets, unusual looking cutlery - such as a bread or fish knife. Keep them out of harm's way and for the very young child, a bib, feeding bottles or his or her favourite 'sippy' cup - and please, use the high chair safely. Dining with kids no matter how very young, can and should be an enjoyable fine dining experience.


7. When the meal arrives ensure the kids get served first. In the case of the little ones, you can cut the portions up for better eating. Ask your wait staff member to have the beverages with the meal - kids love to drink with their meal. When they've finished ensure the server clears the empties out of the way. In dining with kids, a little leeway is needed.

8. If the kids are getting restless and have an attack of the "let's go, dad/mom." Do not sit there for too long a period. You've eaten and enjoyed the fine dining and dining with kids. So! If needs be, skip your dessert, I'm sure there's something at home or along the way that would compensate. If this is the first time you have been dining with kids - fine dining style, it's going to be easier next time.


9. Be Patient. That's the name of the game when dining with kids. Don't let the little incidents faze you - kids pick up the vibes in an instant. Fine dining with kids means never have to say you're sorry. An occasional 'whoops' is quite okay.

10. Fine dining. An elegant restaurant. What a way to spend an evening. Fine dining with kids can be made all the more pleasurable. All it takes is a little planning and lots of patience.

B.O.N.U.S.

I 've just been thinking. Thinking about those poor old 'baddies', who get clobbered in all movies, stories and the like. I began wondering, what compensation to these poor old protaganists get. Nada!, folks, Zip, Zilch, diddly Squat. This, gang, is not fair. Given the new workplace relations act, fairness should abound. My alter ego, one, Hamilton Y. Katto, fictitious reporter, that he is, found this note in his in-box. What! baddies going out on strike. Storydom wil never be the same again. Read on and join the cause!

B.O.N.U.S. Brotherhood of Nasties Unilaterally Striking.

The authors were worrying – oh dear what could they do.
The printers had no jobs at all and they were worried too.
Agents, Editors, publishers were really up the wall.
Antagonists in fairy tales – well, there were none at all.

Heroes, sure and heroines, kings and queens galore.
Princesses and pretty girls – all there by the score.
Princes, tailors, soldiers, sailors, what were they to do.
Nobody to fight with - they didn't have a clue.

Giants, ogres, goblins, robbers by the dozen.
Wicked wolves in their dens and witches in their covens.
Evil queens were laying low, dragons gone to ground.
Bad guys in the fairy tales – sorry, none around.

All the story characters, evil, ugly, nasty, rough.
Decided all to call it quits and said "enough's enough.
We've been hissed and hit, booed and killed and every rotten caper.
So that's it sport, we're dropping tools withdrawing all our labor.

"You want an ogre, giant, troll or wicked wolf to play.
Then we will up the ante, our rates are triple pay.
Four times if we're killed or maimed plus a loading if we're booed.
Our union says five percent, but twenty-five will do.

"Stepmothers and ugly sisters want free credit cards
For trolls, free makeovers, for wicked queens, good guards.
A good share of the TV rights –a say in movie scripts.
So cough up Mr Disney or all of us will quit.

"For months and years and decades – we have all been fighting.
The time has come to right the wrongs, so authors get on righting
Our B.O.N.U.S theme song we will sing our policy a-citing.
Brotherhood Of Nasties Unilaterally Striking.

©al mccartan 2003

Oh Joy!

I've been missing this blog site for a great time and then by simple chance, it appeared. Oh frabjous day indeed.
My good friend, Ellie aka Scriberess, dropped a blogline to a Mr. Shakeaspear, somewhere in England and when I went to check it out - alright, eavesdrop on the Scriberess/Shakeaspear conversation, lo! there was the site I had been missing and a quick search through my "Where Is It" notebook I found my pw and username.
Now! it's gonna be a case of what the heck to write about.
More to Come, as they say in the tabloids.

Monday - wow! No Itis

Came home from a weekend of work and relaxation in Sydney town. Oh Joy! an e-mail telling me a crossword puzzle I had compiled is going to be published by Australian Puzzler. For that effort, I get $50 and the hope that its readers would have a crack at my work. Still no news on my little Feelgood: "He Said She Said.

Okay! here's today's effort.; A ghost story. Allaine, make sure your huster, kids, cyber and bricks 'n mortar doggies are safe - this is sc........ary. I think :)

WALTZING MATILDA - THE TRUTH

JOLLY SWAGMAN EXPOSED

Having sang my heart out with Waltzing Matilda over the past week or so I got to thinking about the origin of the song – purists say Banjo Paterson wrote the song in 1895 and was put to music with an old Scottish air Craigielea.

Banjo just might of got it wrong – then it is a fair distance from Bathurst to Orange by foot, via Lucknow and messages have a way of getting garbled.

Here's a bedtime story for you, Oh yes. Later I'll reveal Australia's best kept secret.

It was a dark and stormy night (Dammit, I will use that sentence). The rain hammered down and the window wipers of my Toyota Camry Station Wagon worked overtime to keep the windscreen free.

I had just finished the late night radio shift and was heading home. An earlier traffic accident had closed the main highway and I was forced to drive home along Durham Creek Road.

As the wipers beat out their "tackata tackata", I was reminded of Walter Mitty and in my mind I pictured himself as a hero, saving our mayor, Councillor Ian Mann (I'd have rather it was Kathy Knowles) from the ravages of drunken, marauding Koalas, which infested Machattie Park.

But being a romantic my mind wandered and I found myself as a Confederate Captain. Holding back a battalion of Yankee infantry to save the plantation and house of Miz Honeydoll Beauregarde. (If you're from North of the MD Line - then the alternative is yours)

Cut to an Anzac Private saving his CO from a blistering Turkish attack and winning a VC, and a kiss from the Resident Redhead.

It was the figure standing by the bridge at Durham Creek, all luminous and shimmery, which brought me back to reality.

"Sensible bloke" said I to himself -" using reflectors as a traffic warning, I'll ask him if he wants a lift - anyone would on a night like this."

I pulled the vehicle over, wound down the window. "Hey mate, too bloody wet to go walking, want a lift?

"Yair mate" he replied. I opened the car door and the man got in.
I looked him up and down.

The man was dressed like what could only be described as a swagman: floppy hat, moleskins, bowyangs, and a tattered weskit. A rolled blanket was strapped to his back and hanging from it a billy can.

"Where are you off too"? I asked.

"Anywhere mate - not too many people stop for me. I've been humpin' me bluey here for nigh on a 'undred years. Anyone who meets me gets scared shitless. Ya see - I'm a ghost."

I smiled. "Eccentric old fella" I thought, "Harmless enough though."

"Ya 'ear me mate, I'm a ghost, ya s'posed ter stop this 'ere 'orseless carriage an run screamin' down the road. Aren't ya scared mate? Want me to do a couple of moans ter convince yer."

"Not necessary", I said. "Look, there's an all night servo and café a couple of klicks down the road, let's go in for a coffee, I'll shout (treat) you to a meal.


"Cawfee! That bloody foreign muck. No mate a good cuppa tea and an ' some syrup on a damper's good enough for me.

Can't take this new-fangled stuff, I've 'eard talk of 'amburgers 'an fried chicking - only 'appened since the govmint let in the bloody foreigners."

I pulled the car into the service station parking lot.

"Now mate, I'll get you a cuppa and some cake. Let's go."

"Not going' in there mate." Said the swaggie. "Jeez mate aren't ya even a bit scared?"

"Sorry mate" I replied. "I don't believe in ghosts for one thing and two I'm hungry and I'm looking forward to a good burger with the lot. So let's go."

"'Ang on a minute ya disbelievin' wacka. I am a ghost. I'm the ghost of the jolly swagman who was s'posed to 'ave dived into the billabong."

"Oh yes. C'mon mate. Banjo Patterson wrote that poem. It's now a national song- we call it Waltzing Matilda.

The swaggie groaned. "Bloody 'ell, 'e picked that up story when 'e was on the wallaby, 'e sold it to a bloody newspaper. Ya wanna 'ear the truth mate? Eighteen bloody ninety five was a mongrel of a year – I'll drum yer, mate."

"If you must," I replied now resigned to my fate.

"It ain't like the song says. Yairs I was jolly, an yairs I did camp be a billabong, an' yairs there were a coolibah tree.

But me pinchin' the jolly jumbuck, no ways mate. The jumbuck, great woolly idiot came down orright. 'E did drink at the billabong, but I did not stuff 'im inter me tucker bag. 'Ow the bloody 'ell can I stuff a full grown sheep inter a flamin bag big enough fer a hunk o' damper an' some small cuts o' mutton.

"It was the bloody squatter an' them coppers. The flamin' squatter an' them troopers came down orright, 1-2-3 in a bloody great cart. They knocked orf the jumbuck put it inter the cart an' then saw me.

"It was a no show mate, they 'ad guns an' I 'ad nuthin'. Bang an' it was curtains fer me. The mongrels tossed me in the billabong - I didn't dive in as Patterson reckons, I'm not stupid mate, nor can I swim.

So I gotta stay 'ere until I fix them bloody troopers or someone tells the real story an' mate, bein' a ghost I can't drink yer tea. Thanks fer offerin' an' mate, go and tell the real story eh?"

Then he was gone. Later I relayed the story to my own true love.

The Resident Redhead, half awoken from her sleep, murmured "Yes darling, whatever you say."

Aaah, but she wasn't there. But I still can't explain the rolled up blanket or black billy can she found in the car.

Now the secret. For years we've been wondering what was the name of the jolly swagman – well:

The name of the swagman...it was Andy.

Andy sang as he watched
Andy waited till the billy boiled..

Now some Aussiespeak:
Anzac - Australian and/or NZ soldier, derived from the WW1 acronym Australian and New Zealand Army Corps
Billabong - a creeek
Jumbuck - a sheep
Bluey - swag or backpack of blanket, change of socks etc.
On The Wallaby. Humping (as in carrying - okay:) ones Bluey - going on the lam.
Squatter - a land owner.

POV CAVEPEOPLE

Ellinora the Editor had called me into the office to chat about an assignment that she wanted me to carry out. I had hoped that it was to cover the Wimbledon Finals, but it wasn't to be.

Ellinora had received words from above – the bean counters - who thought they ran the radio station – that we needed to improve our ratings and that the magazine section of the little media empire had to increase its circulation or "heads would roll".

"I want you to take the sound crew and go and interview some troglodyte men and women, latter day Flintstone's"…a bonus dear one, you're to go to England. If you have time, yes, you may do the sightseeing bit.

She laughed at my quizzical expression.

"No dear boy, these are real people, a family from a working class environment and a family from the upper class have opted out of modern civilization, sold everything and moved into caves, to dwell as our so-called ancestors did. They live off the land, no tools, no appliances, just these folk and the land. Remember that TV series about the families that lived like pioneers in Wyoming. Well very much the same deal. Hop to it."

We cut to a cave complex, somewhere in (censored)

AL: I am some fifty miles from the nearest town in the heart of some pretty wild country, hilly, rocky and the site of what is now a dormant volcano, the ground is strewn with *pumice. Near the caves are some men and women; dressed in furs attempting to light a fire, using what I can see is flint. Children are playing leapfrog and others, hide and go-seek near a large fissure in the rocks. We'll be approaching the family now and I'm hoping that the albino dog gambolling at the caves' entrance is neither rabid nor looking for a man-sized feed. I am about to approach one of the cave dwellers now.

SOUNDS – MV: "ere wotchitt wiv that flint, yer almost 'ad me eye aht dint ya."

FV:" Cor pardon me for breevin' why doncha go get a rabbit or sumfink, I'll light the bleedin' fire orright?

MV: "'ere 'ang on a mo' 'ere comes that bloke from the radio, come to do a story.

FV " Sssh! Doncha dare menshun the "R" word. We've left orl that be'ind int we? "Allo sir, come an' join us – I'm Gallina – Gal to you an' this 'ere lump of uselessness is me 'usband,
Big Tim….we've got two kids, Flibby and Darffy…'ere Flibby, 'ow many times 'ave I told ya to stop messin' abaht wiv that bloomin'' dog. Darffy, can yer get me some more flints, there's a luv.

AL: Hello, Big Tim is it?

BIG TIM: Yerse , Use's ter be Tim the Coolman, I delivered ice for parties an' fings. A right little earner it was too. Tim the Coolman, always gits a righjt giggle from the punters' know wot I mean

AL: Indeed and what prompted you to take on this challenge and live as a caveman?

BT: Well it's like this see, a bloke from a noospaper offered me five fahsand nicker – that's quid - to do it. Wiv that money, me an the missus an' the kids can go an' see me bruvver – he's got a sheep farm in New Zealand – might stay there too. Sheep aint as wiolent as them there Drop Bears they 'ave in Orstralya, uvverwise we'd go there, know wot I mean?

AL: I do, now tell me, how do find living in an environment where there's no, no – ice, no tools, no stoves. No McDonald's or Hungry Jack's..

GAL: (interrupting): cor that nuffink, we've got furs ter keep us warm, we make 'em ourselves from the rabbits an' foxes we catch. Our Darffy's good wiv traps an' Flibby's a dab 'and and stichin' 'em togevver, not like that toffee-nosed mob up the road, couldn't catch a fly to cure a cold. Big Tim, useless as 'e is can cut a bloody good flint sharp as a bleedin' razor, can cut the 'ead orf a gnat an' not leave a scar. Cor 'ere comes trouble.

AL: The cave lady is pointing to another family walking down the path towards me.

GAL: "Wotcha yer washups, come ter borrer a leg o' rabbit? Got some fresh field mouse if yer lydyship wants a snack…an' you keep them snobby little brats o' yours outa my kid's way.

I like ter 'ave a go at 'em bloody useless the lot of 'em, they've got lots of money, why did they 'ave ter come on this caper I'd like ter know.

AL: Excuse me Gal, I'll go and talk to these people, and I'll call back again, when the fire's lit. OK.

GAL: Orright then suit yerself….'ere Tim ain't ya got that fire lit yet.

I walk over to the other family, they are dressed in furs as well, although I suspect a better cut. The family consists of an adult male and female and a young boy and girl.

AL: Good morning madam, sir, I'm covering your experiment for Australian radio and I'd like to find out how it's panning out from your side. You are:

MALE: I'm Lord Robert De Troit, my wife, the Lady Vangelina and the children, the honorable Katherine and Pichel.

KATHERINE: You may call me Kate and this monster is known as Pickles – claims to be a poet doncha know. Writes all his doggerel on the walls, would never do at home, doncha know.

PICHEL: Sister mine if you do not wish for me to have one of those fish 'n chip bounders across the way bonk you on the beanie, leave you in a permanent state of concussion, pray silence.

KATE: Mummy, daddy, tell him to stop it.

ROBERT: Children, behave, we have a guest. Now sir about why we're here. We have decided to eschew modern day life for this experiment and have the children learn to appreciate all the good things they've left behind. Dammit all I do miss a bowl of bouillabaisse a night at the theatre, a jolly rollicking ride in the motor…

VANGELINA: …and I do miss my nightly bubble bath, and having my Robert rub me down with my cream and make me so sexily[I] unguent[/I] before we don our silk pyjamas, a good nightcap and bed.

KATE: Oh mother, stop it you're embarrassing me.

PICKLES: Hush you excrescence on society, come over here and let me show you the correctway to trap a rabbit, and sister dear, how to thread a worm on a sinew so we may fish in the water lake yonder.

ROBERT: I'm actually down here to ask Timothy if he'd be kind enough to have young Darthy help me light a fire. I'm the first to admit. I'm an awful duffer. Thank heaven for young Pichel he'll help us through this all. ( Off mike) I say, Timothy old boy, d'you have a sharp flint.

I presented the story and it received good reviews. Ellinora is still fuming over my expense account. Dinner at Maxim's in Paris and the use of the London bureau's car to drive through the "Chunnel" to France. Dinner at the De Troits' was an affair to remember, so was Lady Veronica, Angelina's younger sister.

I love you dearly Madam Editor but C'est la Vie.







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